Bon Jovi Finally Unveils Backyard Fountain Of Youth For Public Use

Bon Jovi Finally Unveils Backyard Fountain Of Youth For Public Use

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Bon Jovi - CC David Shankbone

Legendary American rocker Jon Bon Jovi has dispelled tabloid rumors that he sacrifices goats under the full moon in order to retain his dashing good looks by finally unveiling his private fountain of youth to the masses.

Circulating rumors concerning the original ownership of the fountain belonging to John Stamos hint as to why the dreamy 52-year-old(?!) actor felt compelled to do a Fuller House reunion.

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Whether the singer’s immortality will be considered a disqualifiyer for People Magazine’s Sexiest Artists remains to be seen, however users of the fountain continue to be revealed, such as Chuck Norris, George Clooney, and Rob Lowe. Bon Jovi did imply that his fellow New Jersey rock star rival Bruce Springsteen was denied access to the fountain because “there can be only one.”

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The fountain is said to be carved out of Grammy awards while the mystical waters contain ambrosia from Mount Olympus and Jersey fan girl tears.

Though his Bon Jovi’s hit song declares he’s “wanted dead or alive”, we believe it’s safe to say that American soccer moms really just want him alive so he can continue to bless them with his chiseled cheek bones and Zoolander-esque Blue Steel expression of rock and roll disdain.

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Though the “54-year-old” musician announced in a press release that the fountain will be open to the public, a modest donation of $1 million dollars is requested for use–with all contributions going to a new Keith Richards mortality betting pool.

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Photo by David Shankbone, CC