Indian women SunStarPast hurts stay in our minds and hearts. If we are lucky they can be healed while we are still alive.

Mom and I fought since childhood. I’d say black, she’d say white. It did not matter on what subject. I found myself many times in the bathroom crying so hard I could not breath. All I wanted was for Mom to come to me and say “It’s OK honey, I love you, no matter what,” or just hold me. That never happened. Thankfully my older sister, would eventually come to calm me down. “Oh, don’t let her bother you, she is in her own world.” (Which was true — the world of past hurts.)

40 years later, the visits between mom and I started nicely enough — we lived 400 miles apart — but then I’d say black and she’d say white. The cycle would begin. Last December, one of our black/white issues arose and it was a doozie! It seemed impossible to make peace. I was at my wit’s end and didn’t know what to do. Then, a feeling came over me. I went to Mom, held her in a hug, kissed her, and would not let her go. I rocked her back and forth in my arms and kept saying, “I’m sorry Mom, I love you.” I said, “I love you. l love you.” over and over again. Mom melted in my arms.

Mom did not have anyone saying, “I love you,” to her when she was growing up!

At that moment I realized that as much as I needed love and acceptance from her all these years, she needed it too! Mom had survived an abusive childhood. She did not have anyone saying, “I love you,” to her when she was growing up! These were foreign words to her.

This explains why she did not know how to reach out and give her children what they needed… she never had a chance to heal. Two days later, we got into a little black/white issue (but less severe) and I went to the guest room in tears. I was back in that dark place alone, but a couple of minutes later Mom came in the room and this time she held me. She told me it was a silly little spat, and she loved me. We held each other until I finished crying out all the past hurts and she was there until the tears stopped.

Our relationship is different now. Each time I am in town I reach out to her, for no reason, to hug and hold her and tell her how much I love her. Mom now responds so differently to me. She is giving and not so quick to contradict me.

What a blessing that we were both still alive to be healed by uttering the words “I have ALWAYS loved you.”

(Anonymous author in

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